Tag: Love

Temperament Theory & the Five Love Languages

I got lots of positive feedback regarding the article on the five love languages, so I would like to add another dimension to  wonderful life lesson about love.

A few weeks back I had the privilege of being involved in organizing a women’s convention in Sydney and invited a  guest speaker, Mrs. Esther Friedman, from Kansas, USA.  I was so inspired by her talks and wanted to share what I have learnt from Mrs. Esther Friedman,  a specialist in Temperament Theory.

The Temperament theory teaches us about self-improvement, parenting effectively and having richer relationships with our spouse. Through the Temperament Theory we learn about and understand  four types of people,all who are in our life. Most of us have a bit of all these types, but we all shine in one area. The four types are: the Guardian, Artisan, Idealist, and Rational. These four types of people are in our life every day and we need to understand them better so we don’t get into conflict. These four types affect our deep understanding of our spouses, children, and ourselves.

The Guardian is very concrete, does what is right, is very responsible and dependable. The  Guardian is one who seeks security, and needs clear behavioural expectations and consistent enforcement.

The Artisan is very concrete, does what works, is bold, very adaptable, and seeks stimulation, this types of person responds well to immediate gratification.

The Idealist is abstract, does whats right, is very empathetic and authentic, they seek unique identity, and enjoys learning life lessons and discussing emotional growth opportunities.

The Rational is abstract, does what works and is very smart. They are independent and seeking knowledge. They desire to know the reasoning behind actions.

  • As a spouse, the Guardian is a helpmate, very concerned, prizes gratitude, appreciation, and wants to be honoured. Around 40% of the population is a guardian, and that includes the teachers, social workers, emergency responders etc.
  • As a spouse, the Artisan, is a playmate, is very excited, loves new exciting experiences and  enjoys travel. They also want to show they are not vulnerable. The Artisan is a playmate, prizes generosity. They want to be invulnerable.
  • As an Idealist, this spouse is enthusiastic, prizes recognition, and wants to have meaning in their life. They are the hopeless romantic, always searching for meaning and love.
  • The Rational is a mindmate, calm, prizes deference and wants to be wise. They love when you ask their opinion and can guide you with thier knowledge.

The Artisan and the Guardian for example make a good pair as they balance each other out.

The Torah tells the Guardian: “Who is honoured? He who honours others, even those that you do not think deserve honour.” Every person deserves honour by virtue that they were created in the image of G-D.

To the Artisan, the Torah says, “Who is strong? He who subdues his evil inclination.” Meaning, focus more on the spiritual experience, less on physical things, experiences and ideas. Life is not only about collecting things, physical gifts and experiences.

To the Idealist the Torah says: “Who is rich, he who is happy with his lot.” You will never find enough meaning , enough fulfillment and and enough romance….stop searching for the perfect meaning in life, relationships, etc. Be happy with what you have found as meaning and nurture that, enjoy what did find. You cannot search your entire life and miss out on what you already have, you must enjoy the beautiful things in life that you have already found, your relationship included.

To the Rational the Torah says: “Who is Wise? He who learns from all people”. The Rational must learn to appreciate all types of people and learn from all types of people, not just those who they revere and look up to on account of their wisdom. All people can teach us something.

As far as the Five Love Languages go, most people would love to receive any of these five love languages from their spouse, parent etc:

Time, words of affirmation, touch, gifts, or acts of service.

Most people prefer one or two, but some love all five!

For example, if you are a “words of affirmation” person, you will want your spouse to tell you how wonderful you are, and how much they appreciate you, rather than, perhaps getting flowers. You can read more about this on my previous blog on the Five Love Languages.

If we compare the Temperatment Theory with the Five Love Languages, then we notice that:

The Guardian loves appreciation, “words of affirmation” for their “acts of service.” Give them the appreciation they crave and need. It costs nothing but gives them everything. Say it with words rather than with flowers. (If you did give flowers, write a nice long card!)

The Artisan loves Gifts,  (giving or receiving), of all types. They love experiences, just imagine if you gift them an experience, like an adventure or outstanding exhilarating activity in nature etc.

The Idealist loves recognition, which would also include  “words of affirmation” or “time” itself, perhaps in a romantic setting, like a candlelit dinner.

The Rational, loves “time” to connect with their mindmate, perhaps learning together and exploring new texts and ideas.

If we understand which category of love our spouse or child loves most, we can increase that area of love and bond more effectively.

These are just ideas, and most people would appreciate a little of each, but ONE love language or TWO is what they prefer MOST.

I hope you enjoyed this and look forward to hearing you ideas to expand this list.

Have a happy and sweet new year and may you be inscribed in the book of LIFE!

The Five Love Languages

Words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, physical touch, these are the five love languages that Gary Chapman writes about in his books.

It is so true that every person loves receiving these things from their spouse, and that if you know the love language of your partner, life will be so much easier!

Take for example, my friend Dena, who really needed to have more words of affirmation and physical touch, but her husband Dov thought that by buying her flowers (without an accompanying card) and cooking dinner for her every night, he was treating her exactly like a queen!  For years, he could not understand why she was feeling frustrated and not appreciating his kind gestures. Yet, Dina needed something entirely different from Dov. She was thirsting for some words of affirmation, for him to tell her how much he loved her and for some physical touch. Dov was frustrated as he thought he was displaying loving gestures, by buying flowers and making dinner. He couldn’t see why Dena was unhappy and frustrated. Dena’s deepest need was not being met. What Dov was doing, was kind and thoughtful but was not what she truly needed from him. Dov was not giving his wife what she felt was really important to her. I always tell couples to share this vital information with each other, as couples do truly want to make each other happy. But without a clue, many couples try for years to please their spouse, and don’t understand why their spouse is unsatisfied or bitter, even though they have been meaning very well.

It is very interesting that under the Chuppa (marriage canopy), a bride receives all five “love languages” from the groom. A taste of all the five beautiful expressions of love. The ring represents the “gift,” the Kesuba (marriage contract) delineates all the “acts of service”, that the husband is expected to and will gracefully give his wife. The words said under the Chuppa to the bride before placing the ring, “behold you are sanctified to me”, represents the “words of affirmation” and the “quality time and physical touch”, follow the Chuppa with the Yichud room, the quality time spent alone together before the celebratory meal and dancing. (The holy act of intimacy on the wedding night is also to  be considered to be the “physical touch”). So here we have all five love languages played out under the Chuppa, the Jewish Wedding Ceremony.

So next time you wished your spouse brought you dinner or swept the floor, simply tell him your love language is “acts of service,” and he will know that a simple act means the world to you. If your language is gifts, there is no point in wishing you got a beautiful gift. You may even choose it, and have him pay, wrap and deliver the great perfume, jewellery or handbag you wish for. But at least he will know what you are thinking, and not guess he gets it right (or wrong) every time!

If you need to hear a compliment, and it means the world to be acknowledged by him, tell him. It may feel weird to him to say it the first few times, but he will get the knack of it, and soon it will be second nature. If you enjoy a back massage or wish he would JUST KNOW you are pining for a few days away with quality time together, then why don’t you just tell him instead of expecting him to read your mind. It works both ways. Maybe he is pining for a delicious home cooked meal, but you usually stop off for a frozen take-away on the way home from work. He needs to tell you clearly and lovingly ,what his love language is. He might want to spend some time with you over a cup of tea or have a date night (more on that another time!), but we must communicate our wishes with our spouse, or you could be spending your entire life expecting the other to guess what you need, while you sit there feeling resentful or forgotten.

Let’s get better at communicating, and share our deepest wishes with our spouse, and remind them every so often. If you notice your spouse buying you gifts or cooking more dinners, you will be happy you shared this vital information with them. Some men and women enjoy all five love languages, but there are one or two which will stick out most. Watch what your spouse does most for you, and then you’ll know which is his love language, too!

Sidebar